A Thing of the Highest Order

A moment yesterday, under bright lights, in the crowd, an arm around me, my body cradled; I will protect you.

There was nothing transactional about that.

Moved to tears, by this collection of atoms holding me.

And yet (and yet), this Thing of the Highest Order, in the turn of a head and a flicker of a gaze and a micromoment that lingered; how incredibly sad it made me feel, how lonely.

For I don't know how to be loved; it's not something that I've ever been able to do: to let myself be loved for who I am. It has always felt like a thing to be earned, to be worked for.

In that moment yesterday, under bright lights, in the crowd, an arm around me, my body cradled, in the depth of my feeling, I did not believe I was worthy of being held.